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Do you live in the San Francisco Bay Area? Do you rent? Isn’t
the search for rental properties a miserable, depressing experience? Here’s
my parody of (the majority) of LandLORDS who advertise
on Craig’s List…
I’m looking for a hard-working, underpaid
serf…um, er..tenant…who is in search of that special grave plot,
broom closet, drawer, cage, garage, shoe box, toilet, studio, Tupperware
cereal container, or whatever accommodation lows you non-home-owning
vermin…er…people…have come to
tolerate in the overcrowded Bay Area.
I’m wanting to find
someone to oppress, so that I can put the LORD back into LANDLORD!
Imagine…me, resplendent in my luxurious 2
bedroom estate. All the fruits of my help desk job during the Dot Com
Boom. I'm a millionaire! (by default...)
Well, this housing shortage/over-inflation is one
bubble that ain’t gonna burst!
I want (I want! I want!) a 99-year lease (written in
your blood), rent paid upfront, a $2000 security ‘deposit’,
$100 application ‘processing’ fee and $50
‘service’ fee…for my protection from you.
Never mind that the authorities have no idea about my
new income source.
Report me to the IRS and I’ll report you to the
INS.
NOTE: there is NO DISCRIMINATION in this post…
I’ll save that for when you reply.
Craigslist may have stolen
my right to my warped perception of ‘free speech’,
but they haven’t taken
away my right to discriminate against poverty!
No television, no pets, no couples, no families, no
guests, no noise, no parking, no kitchen, no laundry, no privacy, no
life!
Just pay up and Fuck off.
I want you to subsidize my parasitic, vapid existence.
First hour free! (Because I already bumped the rent up
200 bucks a week).
If this is still too ‘expensive’ for you,
I’m sure we can ‘come’ to some sort of
‘arrangement’.
(Bonus: bodies beneath the floor).
Save me time, fill out this pre-application form
($100: This’ll keep me in meth for
another week and provide me with future ID theft victims):
Name:
Age:
Current Address:
All Former Addresses:
Social Security Number:
Bank Account Number:
Credit Card Number(s)and expiry dates:
Blood Type:
Bra cup/condom size:
Sexual orientation:
All the above details for your next of kin, and times
they are likely to be out:
Its reely uh grate playse too lyv.
I’m a functional illiterate but I’m still
better than you because I own a property.
I don’t give enough of a
shit about you to even bother to try to spell correctly.
But did you expect photos? Cross streets? I’m
gonna make you travel for miles, with the euphemistic promises of
‘cozy’, ‘spacious’, ‘remodeled’,
'clean' and ‘safe’, and empty adjectives like 'wonderful',
'lovely', 'charming' and 'sweet'.
(This ain’t the Cotswolds, baby).
Keep your hopes high until I have sufficiently wasted
your time and you realize it's a tiny, depressing, smelly, stained,
hairline cracked, termite and moth infested, inconveniently located,
rotting, festering, dangerous shithole with psychopathic neighbors.
Call before you inspect, so I have time to wash the
previous tenant’s blood off the walls.
I’m not your landlord…I’m
everybody’s landlord!
I can’t take it with me…but I’ll
try…
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